


this is me trying

by rainbow828



Series: tommyinnit oneshots [1]
Category: No Fandom
Genre: Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Hurt/Comfort, Inspired by Taylor Swift, No Smut, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Tommy is Trans, Underage Drug Use, Underage Smoking, light kissing, not even on the lips, not extreme just a ship fic so if youre uncomfy with that DNI, only in certain parts tho, problematic mcyt, tommy has adhd, tommy has feelings for tubbo, tommyinnit is nonbinary, tubbo is v supportive, tubbos real name is used
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-19 08:27:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29623467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbow828/pseuds/rainbow828
Summary: tommy is in love with tubbo while also struggling with the fact they're non-binaryfirst workdon't like, don't read. tags are there for a reasoninspired by "this is me trying" by taylor swift
Relationships: Toby Smith | Tubbo/TommyInnit
Series: tommyinnit oneshots [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2176545
Comments: 1
Kudos: 75





	this is me trying

**Author's Note:**

> i removed all official character tags for this work and replaced them with my own, so you can't find this if you're searching in character tags.
> 
> while i will make ship fics, i will NEVER write smut about minors/people who are uncomfortable with it:)

Tommy loved streaming, more than anything. Well, almost anything. The one exception is his best friend Tubbo, who he might see as more than a friend. Though, he agreed he wouldn't drag himself down for it. If he liked Tubbo, he liked Tubbo. That's that.

Tommy never felt pressured to label his sexuality. He knew that as he grew up, his feelings would change. He liked girls, guys, and anyone in between. Just because he was secure in his sexuality doesn't mean he was secure in everything else though. His gender identity always confused him, never quite feeling like a boy but never quite feeling like a girl either. His ADHD and tourettes syndrome didn't make this better, oftentimes lashing out since he can't put a word to his feelings. He would get panic attacks and tic attacks when the confusion got to be too much for him.

Talking with Tubbo made it better. He always made Tommy's day better. Whenever Tommy felt too much or even sometimes too little, he called Tubbo. He knew the Tubbo cared for him, he would always talk to Tommy. Whether it be about the latest stream or to call Tommy down after a tic attack. The tic attacks were the worst. Tommy would shout expletives (more than he usually would) and would jerk his head to the side at a rapid pace. Often times leaving his shoulder, left ear, and neck sore. One day, while on a call with Tubbo over discord, Tommy mentioned his gender crisis, saying,

"Y'know, sometimes I don't feel like I'm just a guy"

Tommy saw the look on Tubbo's face change from languid to warmth. As if the older boy wanted to make sure Tommy knew that he had support. Tommy continued,

"I mean, I know I feel like a guy sometimes, but other times I feel more feminine. And other times I feel like I'm neither."

Tubbo took in the boy's words. Seemingly trying to come up with a response that would help Tommy.

"Have you thought about researching into being non-binary? I don't want to label you but it is very similar to what you're describing. Is there anything else I can do for you Tom?"

"Not right now at least, thank you Toby."

"Of course Tom. I'm always here for you, I love you."

"I love you too."  
\----------------------------------  
It was near noon the next day, and Tommy had come to a conclusion about their identity. They are non-binary. Tommy had stayed up all night researching it and seeing what pronouns felt right to use. He ended up decided to use he/they. They chose to stick with the name Tommy. Tommy just felt right with that name. He decided that they would call Tubbo and head over to talk to him about, well about everything. Tommy wasn't too sure about his feelings towards the older boy. They knew that they cared about him more than anything in the world. And Tommy has to admit, sometimes when Tubbo would be on call with them, his face looked really kissable. Then Tubbo would mention how Tommy was staring and he would look away. Too embarrassed to admit he really was staring. Tommy decided to message Tubbo,

*hey, i dont know if youre busy but if you arent, could i come over?*

*hi tommy! yeah u can come over in abt 30 if u want*

*okay, see you in a bit*

*read*

Tommy gets ready to go over to Tubbo's, putting on some fresh clothes. He decided to put on a regular black hoodie and some ripped jeans. Tommy isn't sure if they picked the jeans because they like them or because Tubbo had complimented them when Tommy wore it on one of their monthly mall trips. Tommy is almost positive it's because of Tubbo, it gives them a warm feeling in their chest. Tommy heads downstairs and tells their mom they're going out to see Tubbo. She tells Tommy to stay the night if they want and to text her when they get there to let her know they got there safely. As Tommy walks down the dim lit street, all that he wants to do is listen to music, so he does. Taking out his phone, Tommy pulls up spotify and turns on his taylor swift playlist.

Call them basic, but Tommy absolutely loved miss taylor allison swift. They thought her songwriting was like no other and her low, alto voice always calmed him down in times of stress. This was one of those times. His favorite album was definitely folklore, the toned back instruments and indie sound made it stand out to them. It was perfect for moments like these, walking down the damp city street in the late hours of the night. The cold, December air welcomed their white chuck taylor's hitting the pavement. His mask keeping the lower half of his face warm, while also covering his mouth. Letting him mouth the lyrics to this is me trying. The song was unexpectedly fitting for this situation, they put it on repeat. Hearing the song always made him tic, head jerking to the side. It was quite painful, but they learned ways to make the pain go away. Tommy would never admit it, but they coped with things in a pretty harmful matter. Swallowing pills, snorting things whenever they were offered at a party or by a friend, and he smoked a lot too. Cigarettes and weed alike.

As they hear the words echo in their ears, Tommy took out his dab pen. Opting to take his first inhale when they heard the words, "maybe i don't quite know what to say, but i'm here in your doorway". All he could think about was Tubbo. Tubbo's voice, his hair, his laugh, his smile, his lips. Tommy got lost in his own mind. Going back and forth between taking hits from their pen, the music, and thoughts of Tubbo. TubboTubboTubbo. "pouring out my heart to a stranger, but i didn't pour the whiskey." They remember the first time he met Tubbo. It felt like all his problems just washed away as the older boy spoke more and more. They didn't smoke at all that day. That was something that stuck, Tommy never smoked when they had talked to Tubbo. Except for today. It was probably Tommy's nerves getting the best of them.

Tommy just wanted to be okay. Okay with who they were, okay with who he loved. He loved Tubbo, loved him with his whole heart. Thoughts of his smile and comforting words filled Tommy's head. They started to feel tears running down their cheeks. "and it's hard to be at a party when i feel like an open wound. it's hard to be anywhere these days when all i want is you." Tommy started running. Running as fast as he could. They just had to get to Tubbo's place. Tell him everything. Their feet started to hurt, but he didn't care. They needed to be with Tubbo right now. It felt like his whole life depended on it. This is the moment Tommy's always been subconsciously waiting for. This is the breaking point. He could see Toby's house in the distance. They started to slow down, everything seeming to go into slow motion. Tommy knocked on the door and immediately saw Toby's face.

"i'm non-binary and i love you"

Well, that was definitely not how Tommy thought they would start this conversation but alright.

"new pronouns?"

"he/they"

Toby pulled Tommy into a hug, letting the younger collapse into his arms. He could feel Tommy shaking. From the anxiety and the cold, but mostly the anxiety. He placed a soft kiss on Tommy's neck. So soft that if Tommy wasn't hyper-aware of their surroundings, he might not even have noticed it. Toby lifted his head from Tommy's neck to place a kiss on his hair, standing on his toes due to be shorter than them. Tommy could hear a quiet phrase come from Toby's lips.

"i love you too"


End file.
